“Women of a certain age – apparently they get invisible. I think it is happening to me now.”
I just read this in a women’s group, where someone was complaining about becoming invisible as she gets older. And my immediate reaction was: I actually don’t feel invisible at all. (Or only if I want to blend into the background.)
Which got me thinking. Perhaps partly because I am in the business of helping women shine, I should probably practise what I preach. And when I started thinking about what we can actually do ourselves to remain visible, confident and present, I realised there are quite a few things that are entirely within our own hands.
Take up room.
And having said that, I am not talking about occupying the seat next to you with your handbag on the commute train. No, I mean taking up space when you enter a room, a setting, a workshop. Square your shoulders, stand up to your full height, speak your mind, loud and clear. Don’t make yourself smaller than you are. Share your opinion, even if it is uncomfortable.
Learn to say no.
This one is probably easier said than done, but it is still worth practising. It’s such a moment when you realise that people actually still accept you for saying no. Maybe even more so?
Accept compliments. And give compliments.
Why do women so often immediately dismiss a compliment? “Oh, this old thing?” or “I just threw this on.” Perhaps they could simply say thank you. And when you notice another woman looking fabulous, tell her. We could all do with a little more encouragement from each other.
And then ask yourself: do you see other people?
Do you walk around with your eyes open and actually register what is going on around you? Do you make eye contact, smile, start a conversation? Because it usually takes two to tango.
Which brings me to flirting. And before anyone gets the wrong idea: I am not necessarily talking about seduction. I mean taking every opportunity for a bit of light small talk. Whether you are grocery shopping, fetching your dry cleaning, waiting at the doctor’s or getting your morning coffee, be open to a friendly exchange. You never know where a little conversation might lead. People who have things to say do not stay invisible. Be friendly. Be present.
And then there is charisma.
We all know women who have it. You could probably name five women in your immediate surroundings who have that certain something. And interestingly, they are not necessarily the most beautiful woman in the room. Charisma has much less to do with conventional good looks than one might think. It is much more about how you present yourself, how you move, how you speak, how you engage with people and how comfortable you are in your own skin.
Some people seem to have been born with it. They walk into a room and somehow the room notices.
But charisma is not reserved for the naturally gifted. It can be trained. You can learn to be more present, to use your voice, your body language, your facial expressions, your eye contact and your energy in a way that makes people want to engage with you.
And perhaps this is also where you need to ask yourself what you actually want to be seen for. Do you want people to notice you because you are beautiful? Or because of the way you show up?
Do you really want to be admired for your looks alone, or should admiration not extend to something else too? Your confidence. Your humour. Your intelligence. Your warmth. Your presence. Your experience. And perhaps, above all, respect for the woman you have become.
Because good looks will never tell the whole story. And as we get older, perhaps there is an opportunity to become much more interesting. Not that there is anything wrong with being beautiful. By all means, look good, take care of yourself, wear the lipstick, the great dress, the fabulous shoes. But let that be one part of the picture, not the whole picture.
And then there is the question of how women see themselves… and how you think women of a certain age are supposed to behave. What is your own perception of women of a certain age? Do you think they should put their experience, their light, under a bushel? Should they cut their hair, stop using make-up and start dressing carelessly? Should they just disappear and directly meander into their role as grandmother? (which would bring us to the next question: what is a grnadmother supposed to be like…?)
Or are women allowed to still be women first?
Are you worth it, for yourself, to shine? Do you allow yourself to look good, or do you think of it as something shallow?
Perhaps we could do it a little more like the French. There seems to be much less of this idea that femininity, style, looking good and being noticed somehow has an expiry date. Women remain women, even when they are no longer 30, 40 or 50! And yes, they can still be admired, flirted with and, dare I say, wooed.
Of course, none of this means that you have to dress younger, pretend to be someone you are not or follow every fashion trend that comes along. Quite the opposite. I think it is about finding what works for you, at the stage of life you are in now. Your colours. Your style. Your personality. Your way of showing up in the world.
And this is where I think clothes and style matter. Not because you need to dress for other people or prove that you are still young. But because what you wear can be a very visible expression of how you see youself. It can say: I am here. This is me. And I am not ready to fade into the background.
Because perhaps becoming “invisible” is not only about other people no longer seeing you. Perhaps sometimes you also need to ask yourself whether you are still allowing yourself to be seen.
And perhaps that is also why I don’t feel invisible. I am certainly not planning to disappear quietly into the background anytime soon.
If you need help finding what works best for you, let me know.
I’m Beatrice, a style consultant and coach. I help women find their style and the colours that work best for them – so they can look good, feel good and, most importantly, shine.
